Deidara's Kid
by Stephanelly
Summary: A totally whacked oneshot! Deidara has to take care of his kid that he had with Kisame. Based off of one of Itachilova's crack weddings! XD


Deidara's Kid

A/N: XD Another random oneshot by Itachilova and Stephanelly! (From one of Mandy-chan's freaky weddings, no less!)

Deidara sat on the couch of his bachelor suite, flipping through channels and looking for something _half_ decent on the tube.

"Hello, Kids!" Barney exclaimed. "Are we ready for fun?!"

"NOOOOOO!" he screamed, changing the channel quickly. After all, Barney the purple dinosaur is freakin' scary. I thought the dinosaurs were supposed to be extinct by now?

Anyway, he flipped and flipped and he flipped.

"News from the Grey House," the news reported. "The president, Sir Huckleburry-Chesterfield-Couch is dead!"

Deidara yawned and changed the channel again. "Old news," he said to himself. "You'd think they'd have something different on for the person who assassinated him, yea"

Then, he found something. "Welcome to the Art-Is-A-Bang show with Art McBang!"

Deidara's eyes lit up with excitement as he leaned closer to the TV. "Ah!" he exclaimed. "Finally! Something _good_ on the TV, yea!"

Unfortunately, our poor artist-who-blows-up-shit got interrupted when he heard a knock on the door. Of course, being glued to the TV, he decided to just ignore it.

Then, he heard a fishy voice say, "Deidara! Open the goddamn door if you know what's good for you!"

"You've got two fins and a pulse! Open it yourself! I'm busy, Double-Dick!"

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that! Now open the bloody door! My fins are full at the moment!"

"What are you holding, a sardine?!"

"No, our baby!"

"Aw, shit! I don't want it!"

"Well too fucking bad! I have a date tonight and I can't have the kid with me!"

"Why the Hell not, yea?!"

"I still have those court papers, in case you don't remember, you know!"

"Fuck!" he cursed. He sighed and stood up, keeping a close eye on the set. He opened the door, took the infant and slammed the door in Kisame's face before he could thank him.

"I'll be back for the kid later!" Kisame called through the shut door.

"Whatever, yea," Deidara replied as he carried the infant away and back to the couch. Amazingly enough, it didn't look _too_ much like a fishstick. Just slightly purple.

The little tuft of blonde hair on the top of it's head made it look kind of funny. Purple-skinned and blonde haired… Yeah, it'd grow up to be a knockout! … Not! (Aren't we just the nicest authoresses _ever_?! XD)

The kid looked up at the blonde psychopath with an innocent glint in its eyes.

"Feed me?" it mumbled… Dude, the infant can talk so young!

"Wh-What?" Deidara stammered.

"Feed me, dammit!"

Deidara sighed inwardly. '_Yeesh, Kisame needs to watch his language around the dude, yea._'

"What do psychopath babies eat?" he asked.

"Flesh!"

He looked at the kid with this kind of look: O.o "Duuuude…."

The kid (I'm gonna call him… Scaly!) looked up at one of his daddies and flashed him a smile, showing off his pearly whites. Dude, they look like fangs... And not so white, by the looks of the red stains on 'em.

"What has Kisame been teaching you?" he asked. "Are you, like, a cannibal, yea?"

"I wants shrimp!"

"Yep, cannibal… To his kind, anyway, yea…"

So Deidara put little Scaly on the couch (forgetting to take away the remote…) and ventured off into the kitchen to see what most male bachelors have there. And, like most male bachelors, there wasn't a heck of a lot. Well, except for the stuff growing in the back of the fridge, like most male bachelors would have.

With a sigh, he went back into the living room, only to see that Scaly was watching (oh the horror!); Barney!

"Oh dear God, my eyes!" he screamed. He screamed even louder when he saw that Scaly was chewing on the remote with those sharp shark teeth of his. It was already just a mass of broken plastic and electric wires.

Scaly cackled maniacally, bits and pieces of wire and plastic stuck in his teeth. "Fear meh! You will join our clan of Barney-Worshipers!"

Deidara had just enough sanity left to order some shrimp from some Chinese place and tell them the address. Only when the delivery dude came with the order and Deidara killed him so that he wouldn't have to pay, did he curl up into a ball and rock himself slowly back and forth, back and forth, back and forth…

"Daddy!" exclaimed Scaly. "I wanna eat my shrimp! Feed me!"

"Go get it yourself!" Deidara yelled back at him. Man, being told what to do snapped him back into sanity temporarily…

He ran into the kitchen, grabbed a knife and laughed like a crazy person full of stress. "I'll kill him… I'll kill him dead…"

Then, Kakuzu burst through the door and asked, "Where's the kid?"

"… What kid?" asked Deidara, hiding the knife, his eye twitching. "There won't be a kid in about three seconds…"

He looked to the couch to see the little punk was gone.

"Wh-Where'd he go?" he asked. "Where'd he go?!"

He turned just in time to receive a sledge hammer in the knee. He cried out in pain, falling onto his back.

"Good job, Little Dude!" exclaimed Kakuzu. "Give me five!" He extended his hand to him.

"Uncle Kakuzu!" exclaimed Scaly, opening his arms to him.

"Yea, yea," he said. "Just give me five."

The infant waddled over to Deidara, pulled out his wallet and took out five dollars.

"Uh, I meant five hundred."

He took out five hundred and gave it to his "Uncle Kakuzu."

Deidara could only roll on the floor, crying and screaming.

"I hate you, yea!" he screamed angrily.

"See you at the next tailed-demon extraction things!" Kakuzu exclaimed, slamming the door.

Deidara wailed while Scaly managed to tape-up his mouth and left him in his room, all tied up.

(Some hours later)

Not bothering to knock this time, Kisame just went and blasted the whole bloody door down with a swing of Samehada. Standing in the busted doorway, he looked to see Scaly watching the Discovery channel. (It was an ocean special. n.n)

Kisame smirked and picked up little Scaly and held him at arm's length. With an evil smirk, he asked, "So, did the plan work like we hoped?"

Scaly nodded, showing off his fishy teeth again.

"And you made sure to make other daddy's life a living Hell?"

Another nod.

"Well, I think this calls for a reward. How's about we go and get some crab and lobster?"

Scaly squealed with delight and the two fish-like people left…

… Leaving Deidara and his suite a total mess. Hooray for fish! Fish rule! XD

A/N: Stephanelly says: Hooray! I feel deliciously evil! n.n

Itachilova101 says: Well, I may not feel delicious, but, sources say, that I am! Oh, and I'm evil, too… Fish rule! X3

Stephanelly says: … You're just plain weird. And I'm more evil than you! … Foo!

Itachilova101 says: Poo on you! XD


End file.
